1/1/2025
i made a resolution to myself to try to make sense of my thoughts every day and maybe find a useful outlet for them. let's see if i can publish one of these entries every day!
i haven't been sleeping well. i'm not exactly sure why, it isn't like i've done anything since i wrapped up my semester almost a month ago. in the absence of a routine, i've been thinking a lot about everything and everyone i knew. i think i'm really feeling the end of the year and the weight of regrets that can come with that. yesterday evening, it was two on my mind. i'm not the best at maintaining friendships or keeping contact with people. i've thought about why this could be a lot. i've forgiven myself for this one particular thing, but for a long while, i thought that it was my own selfishness. i'm not the best at valuing people as much as they deserve. i've tried to be kinder to myself, but it's especially difficult sometimes, like it was last night. i'm not even sure how i first started thinking about him, but i think it was because of liam. i haven't been able to make amends with him or apologize for who i was 5 or 6 years ago. from there, things tend to lead me towards a specific time in my life. i've messed up plenty of times and i think that i'm so focused on trying to apologize to everyone because i can't bear thinking of that period. or, i haven't felt as happy since. i haven't figured it out.
in the last two years, it's like i'm trying to replicate the relationships that i had with people all those years ago. i hated who i was then, but it's still an improvement over my current situation. i'm not a pushover anymore, i think. but i'm not sure who i'm supposed to be either. i only feel like i'm pretending to be someone now? i'm trying so hard to pretend that i'm this new person - but i remember how little she matters to anyone and it's tough. i felt much happier when i was less focused on myself, although even then, i was terrible to people. i wonder if i'll ever feel completely whole or good about the person i am. i wonder if i'll ever know who i'm meant to be.
happy new years! maybe this is the year.