1/12/2025
good afternoon!
i'm sorry for the lackluster diary entries lately. the temperature here dropped to the lowest its been in months and my energy seemed to have gone with it. i've been enjoying it, although i wish it had happened in time for christmas or new years.
recently i've felt.. kind of empty? maybe that isn't the right word. a few weeks back, i confided in this online friend that i was at least a little interested in one of our mutual friends. he had a nice energy to him and when he spoke privately, i thought he was endearing. conversations kind of dried up quickly, though, and then he said he found someone irl and they went on a date or two. he distanced himself a bit after that. so, the "crush" (or the excitement of meeting someone new) died quickly.
except i've still been trying to talk to him, not for my own selfish reasons, but just to see where he's at. my feelings shifted yesterday, for some reason, and now i feel as if i'm just putting myself in the position to be made fun of or mocked. i know that this is my own fault and i'm only overthinking everything, i'm just not sure where things transitioned into that.
it's a tough spot to be in. i really want to connect with someone in the same way that i did in my last relationship, except it was pretty one-sided. it wasn't healthy, so i've tried to be a different person. i'm trying to not be so oblivious to everything and tougher but then, that's only led me here. i really can't feel like i'm being made the butt of a joke again. i think that's an oversimplification and perhaps not the right phrase either, but last time i was in a situation a bit like this, i just felt like i was really fucking stupid. it's a lot to untangle and i think that i'm not untangling it in the right way or interpreting things in the right way right now. and then i just feel worse because when did everything get so complicated?
maybe i'm just letting it continue to be that way. i know i should work on myself before i try to approach someone with those intentions in mind, but i can't really stand myself. i've never been able to. i guess that i should think about this some more and maybe learn a more productive way of dealing with this? i think there has to be.
see you tomorrow! sorry for talking myself in circles today.