12/31/2025
at the beginning of 2025, i was at my lowest, and it came in the form of a yearning for someone i hadn’t spoken to in years. i thought that if i just had the chance to speak to him and if we sorted things out, i would feel whole or more complete than i had. and then that feeling would shift to something more like: i'm almost 30 and i've spent so much time waiting on other people to make me feel like i'm a real person. because who am i, if i'm not seen through the eyes if someone else or if i have nothing grounding me to my real life
and today, in what has to be a sick joke, i dreamt about talking to that person again. it felt a little different, though, because i made the choice months ago to leave all social media, so all i really have is myself. it's a little hard to feel ungrounded or like you're not real when you're forced to sit in that silence every day. and it's been good for me but it's also really fucking isolating! i've had trouble building up the energy to reply to my old friends when they reach out, partially because i haven't done anything and partially because i feel as if i let myself need those connections again, i'll lose myself again. so, it's a toss up between feeling untethered in yourself or feeling like you don't have anyone. and i'm not doing so great, i'm not where i wanted to be when i decided to start writing this blog because i thought that it would be helpful, but i'm more aware and i recognize my shortcomings, in a way. i just have to push myself to do something about them and that's where i continue to fail, which is unfair to others.
i'm also trying not to frame myself as the center because i feel like doing so is manipulative, even accidentally. it's hard to admit that a bit of selfishness is allowed and even probably good for you.
so, that's where i'm at, on the last day of the year. in 2026, i'm going to keep pushing at everything to do better and ask less of people when they're not willing to give. i hope that i can get the same energy in return
i still miss liam and i think if i had the chance to speak to him again, i'd take it in a heartbeat! but maybe it's time to let that go, however difficult it'd be. as of this moment, i can't say i would
it's been a journey writing this blog, even when my entries might've came off across like they lacked effort. it helped me gain some clarity and i guess that's all i could've hoped for
tomorrow, i'll post one last entry with my new blog details because i've decided that i don't want to stop writing
if you read even just one of my posts this year, i appreciate it. thanks for reading my ramblings and the more mundane recollections of my days 🙂↕️