1/24/2025
good afternoooooon.
i decided to write an entry earlier today. i've been thinking about something all morning so why not?
i haven't spoken about this at all yet and i should fix that because i think it shaped me and will continue to do so even in the future. in 2017 or 2018, i met this person online and we got close quickly. i don't think that i had ever met anyone interested in me so it felt different and we began to speak a lot. i wish i remembered the smaller details of our conversations and could look back on those just as much as i've reflected on the more negative parts. i don't think that we ever labelled anything but things were definitely romantic. it was an unstable relationship, probably because of who we both were. i had never really loved someone on that level before and didn't want to lose him. he was my opposite and i don't think he was ready for a relationship yet, at least not the type that i did. there were small arguments when we were just friends, like he'd tell me that i was wrong to be upset by something that he said because i wasn't special. it was probably a red flag, but things weren't serious at the time. so i ignored them and let things become more intense. as we got closer, his criticisms became more direct? personal? i remember this specific time that he told me that i was boring and had no friends and no hobbies. it's something i struggle with even today, moreso the hobby part. i'll get into that another time! i didn't want to risk ruining anything, so like i said, i didn't do anything. i think it must have been three years in at this point. i was completely invested and shortly before he was set to go on a trip to japan in february, i told him that i loved him. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do and he said that while he didn't feel that way about me at the moment, he would with time. i didn't say anything more and conversation drifted to the details of his trip. we sort of planned parts of it together, like where he'd stay and stuff like that. i am not someone especially comfortable with talking for long periods of time. we would try to talk on the phone when he was there as much as we could. one day, there was a videocall and we watched something together. it must've been the halfway point of his trip when he just stopped replying to my messages. i know he was still communicating with friends because we shared a social circle. it was just me that he was ghosting. it hurt but i thought that it was alright if he didn't want to talk. it wasn't like he could ignore me for too long and i'd be here. on what might've been the last day of his trip, i noticed that he was online. i didn't know how to reach out so i was just reading all of his messages. i remember this vividly because it was probably 9pm my time and i had just gotten out of working a double shift. soon after, they started voicechatting and i joined. he was sharing about how he met this american girl on his trip and that he had sex with her. this should've been the last straw for me, but you know how these things go. i cried as i walked home and we didn't speak for another two weeks, i think. this was probably the downfall for my relationship, and i wish i had known. in may, my uncle passed away of cancer. we had been close. i don't have many family members that aren't strict and traditional. he wasn't so i enjoyed spending time with him. things had been decent between myself and this boy. they weren't great but at least he wasn't ignoring me anymore. i tried to reach out to him to talk about my uncle, as he was probably the most important person in my life, and he told me that he wasn't sure what i wanted him to say and that i expected too much. after that, he ignored me again. in june and maybe a week and a half later, i asked if he still wanted to do something together and that was when he finally broke things off. i should've expected it and i know that. it's tougher when they've talked about coming to meet you and going on a trip together and even alluded to marrying you. i asked him if it was because he had met someone else and he said no and that was our last contact for maybe three years, no matter how much i tried. i know now that he did actually find someone else that he liked more.
for three years, i waited to see if he would reach out. i was sure that i could fix everything. somewhere around november 2023, i felt ridiculous that i was still in love with this person who had absolutely cut me out of his life and just moved on without a word. i didn't exist for those years and today, i wish that i could get them back.
in 2025, i'm completely over him and ready to move on. but this is where my problems start. we've become friends again and it's hard to think about him rationally. i know that he's been unhappy lately and the parts of me that still exist from when we were together hope that he's finally realizing that things are completely done. i've got to protect myself in my next relationship and i'm learning this slowly, so things can never go back to the way they were. i feel weird for thinking this, and i don't know if i do still feel something. i never got closure, i think. is that why i feel stuck? i wish he felt even a bit of my pain. i don't know why i want this if not because i'm still interested. i know that if we did rekindle things at this time, it would be only because he can't be alone and not because he's especially interested in me. i don't know i should feel and i wish things were easier.
it's been 5 years since my uncle passed away and since the end of my last relationship and i'm still struggling. i hope those feelings clear away soon.