1/31/2025
👋 good evening.
today has been interesting! yesterday i had this disagreement with an online acquaintance and maybe i was being unnecessarily hostile. it made me feel odd and for all of yesterday after it occurred and most of today, i've been dealing with these thoughts. do you ever feel like you don't really exist to people in your online friend circles? like, all they see is this stripped down version of you that revolves entirely around something physical or one of your traits. i'm sure it's just me being unreasonable, but sometimes it feels to me that specific people are only interested in that i'm a girl. that sounds insane, i know, but i've had too many weird experiences with people online because of this to discredit the idea. like, they've built up this version of me to themselves solely because of my gender? i don't know if i'm insane or just discrediting my own self, but to get annoyed at a stranger because they removed you off their social media just seems especially entitled, and i don't know where it's coming from. dunno! i kept thinking about all of this even as i fell asleep and then i had a dream that i died. i wish that i could set boundaries or be able to get people to see that i don't wish to encourage behavior that makes me uncomfortable without feeling like i'm being cruel. i'm sure i look like an asshole, but it all just makes me feel not great. i would also like people to stop making jokes about stuff that i may not like just because it isn't girly or anything like that.
so, today wasn't great. i just don't have it in me to let things slide anymore, for reasons i've mentioned, and i need to find a middle ground.