4/6/2025
hiii.
i had originally typed something here, but it feels too much like what i've said recently. so i'm going to retype it.
lately i've felt like i'm just here to pass the tide. i haven't done anything productive all weekend. at one point, bearblog helped with this. it felt like something i could do that grounded me. it's begun to feel like a chore. i had originally planned to see if i could push myself to publish one entry a day for the whole year, but i don't know how feasible this goal actually is. i'm going to persevere. it's just more difficult than i thought.
i've also been thinking a lot about what characteristics we seek out in people. it's just been bugging me recently because, like, why are we content to accept anything? i know that i struggle with loneliness and have for years. why am i even considering settling in with someone that hurt me so tremendously? i've tried to tell myself that i would only do that in the case of an apology. it's way too hard to stick to that.
everything is hard! and, to both deal with it and not deal with it, i'm trying to push something with someone that i haven't spoken to in 6 years. all because of something someone said 2 years ago? it's so hard to exist and act absolutely normal and to be normal about the choices you've made that have gotten you to this point. i can't tell if my feelings are real or i'm setting out to hurt everyone.
i don't know if i'll be able to stick with my resolution. everything is way too hard right now.