5/15/2025
in a previous entry, i described how i felt as losing the plot. i think at that point, i was just trying to sum it up as best i could. it's sort of tough for me to put into words how i'm feeling.
reflecting on that, i think i was right. in the past week, i've finished school and i was happy about that for a few hours. it's one less weight for me to carry. except now i've found something else to burden myself with, something that i can't shake off so easily. i don't know where things went wrong, or where i started feeling like they did, but have you ever had this inkling of a feeling like things are shifting for you again? i'm a person where that needs to occur often so that i don't begin to feel like things are stagnant or not growing. it isn't always a positive shift, like in this case. i've begun to think that none of the people i'm friends with are truly my friends. this came on the eve of a realization i had about where i want my future to lead. i can't get into that. i've tried to both rationalize things to myself and then i tried to speak to one of the friends in question. i think it went okay, except that in closing, she said that she can't control her negative emotions to and about something. i didn't want to continue the conversation, but i feel like this changed how i view her. i wasn't sure what she was trying to say, but i read it sort of selfishly.
i don't know why this continues to happen, but it's left me with a sour feeling about both myself and about her. i'm trying to work through it.
the other thing that i'm dealing with is that i told myself i'd do all of these things with my free time and i haven't. i don't feel very motivated to do anything. instead, i spend time sitting around. it's only made me feel kind of angry that i can't just move more spontaneously. i think that this specific feeling came about because i visited my aunt's house for the first time. it's a beautiful place with two floors and this foyer with a dark blue suede couch. it reminds me of when i used to fantasize about the places i'd travel and where i'd move to when i grew up. life doesn't go as you expect, and i'm still living at home. i'm nearly 30 and i haven't done anything.
between the sadness about my friend and the lack of motivation and then the anger when i think about everything that i've not managed to do, i feel a disconnect from who i am. i wish that i was a different person.
all in all, i posted a too emotional entry yesterday and i guess that i wanted to offer some insight and an apology to nobody specific. it's been bothering me all day.
that's all i've got for today. see you tomorrow.