5/25/2025
heyaaa
i think i've finally pinned down why i've felt so upset and off lately
i feel like there are 2 versions of me, the one that feels disconnected from all of my feelings and from acquaintances and friends and then a second one that seems to have bear all of the anxiety of different situations on her own
i've been switching up between these two sides lately and i think that i'm close to distancing myself from people again? i'm not sure, but i think that i can't make people bear the weight of what i'm dealing with. it's made me all the more hesitant about sharing. someone important told me that it's about framing, but i've always struggled with this. it's hard to be reasonable and to interact in situations normally, instead i tend to take the burden of my mistakes entirely as a reflection on myself. if i'm angry enough, it falls on other people. i don't know how to gauge situations or even guess how emotional situations will go. i do know that things switch up too quickly
this is even tougher to deal with on the eve of some problems with my family, involving my grandpa being sick and the treatment of the woman that's taken care of him without complaint for decades! it's all way too much
i've tried to combat these thoughts by spending time with my family and not being alone but something always happens and that's impossible to do all of the time
one last thing is that i think this blog is making me a bit selfish. i don't really ponder how other people may be feeling and i think i'm developing this habit of centering my own feelings as more important. obviously, this is the worst thing (or among the worst) that i've done. i don't want to be that person but it's hard to dodge the habit because of everything else
i dunno, i'm just incredibly tired & i'll see whoever may read this tomorrow